Vanessa's Journey
*Photo representative of the women we serve.
“But every day that I wake up, I get to decide who I want to be. My life isn’t controlled any more. I get to choose my mindset. I work so hard to not only love myself but to also love others and generate kindness and compassion and empathy.”
An End Slavery Tennessee (ESTN) alumni client recently shared her story with us in writing in response to listening to ESTN’s podcast Someone Like Me. Her words are so powerful that we want you to hear exactly what she shared, her words, her story, her voice. Please note that the following contains content that may be triggering or difficult for some. Meet Vanessa.
Listening to the survivor episodes on the podcast, it hit me… that used to be my life. I was that girl. And that was my life at one point? It seems like such a blur... (but at the time I was convinced that I chose that life for myself and that I deserved to be beat, and punished, in every terrible way possible because I felt as if I was a terrible person and that was my karma. I was that girl that wanted attention and love so badly that I chose to surrender myself to my trafficker. It’s sickening to think that I enjoyed getting dropped off in the projects of Memphis at complexes and had to stay out there until I had at least $500 (mind you these were low paying Johns. You were lucky to get anything more than $20 per John.) to be allowed to be picked up and fed and given drugs so that I wouldn’t feel anything.
It’s sickening to think back at that time of my life that I was walking the tracks in Memphis and basically every other big city I was taken to until my feet were black and blistered and bleeding. Walking the streets of Michigan jumping in and out of cars with any and everyone... That’s just a tiny portion but it doesn’t even begin to touch my entire story.
I broke down in tears hearing the first story, thinking to myself “OMG, that was MY life.” I couldn’t stop the tears and sobbed like a baby. I want to share my story one day, but I don't know how to and I’ve buried that painful life so deeply inside me. Listening to the podcast made me realize that it’s still there, the memories, the pain, all of it... So, I am aware that I do have to deal with that pain. I say that now because listening to the podcast was a huge eye opener.
I want to talk about where I'm at now and how far I’ve came since being in End Slavery in 2016 and the impact End Slavery had in my life. I want to reach out to women that are out there being trafficked still and let them know that End Slavery can and will change your life!
Today, I see my therapist every week faithfully, I read any self-help or self-improvement book I can get my hands on, I attend parenting classes voluntarily, I try so hard to be the best person I can be every day. I know that I still fall short. I also know that I still have so much more to work on, and I will be working on improving and bettering myself daily. Not just for me but for my children as well.
My goals now are much different today from back then because of growth and opportunity. I have grown so much! It definitely doesn’t happen overnight though, or even in a couple years. I will be working on myself for the rest of my life. I suffer from anxiety and depression and a bunch of other mental health problems however, today I chose to acknowledge those problems and work on them. I do these things daily: meditate, pray, practice yoga, journaling is my safe place, and read the word of the Lord. Never ever would I have believed that I could make it this far in life looking back on my life any time after or during 2016.
Although, I have housing, my own car, and a full-time job, the daily struggle is still so very real! Some months are harder than others, some months I have to get help with my utilities and rent however, due to living in a poor city and environment, the resources here are scarce, few and far between. The department of Human Services cut off our food stamps because I make “too much money” (which by the way is only $15 an hour, which is $1,300 twice a month, which by the way is gross. My net income on the other hand, is $854 - which doesn’t even cover my rent! I am paying almost $900 a month for my oldest two children - child support, and also insurance that I have to carry them on through my job because it’s mandated through the court)... I say all this to say - The struggle is real!
But every day that I wake up, I get to decide who I want to be. My life isn’t controlled any more. I get to choose my mindset. I work so hard to not only love myself but to also love others and generate kindness and compassion and empathy. I say affirmations to myself in the mirror daily. Every day that I wake up, I don’t look at it as I used to. I look myself in the mirror and say today is going to be awesome. If I fall, God will catch me. And I change my perspective. Because if I didn’t, I would be miserable.
The last thing I wanted to say is to the person who purchased my entire Amazon wish list while moving out of End Slavery after almost 2 years, THANK YOU! You may never ever see or hear this, but you blessed me and my children. We are forever grateful for you! I still have and use mostly everything that you gave us. And that was in 2018.
Thank you for sharing your powerful words with us, Vanessa. Know that we love you and continue to cheer you on every step of the way. Vanessa’s story is such a great example of how the hard part is not over as soon as a survivor exits exploitation. The healing journey is difficult and long, but as Vanessa so beautifully portrays, it is absolutely worth it. Vanessa, we are honored to be a part of your story. You are amazing!
*Name and some identifying details changed to protect confidentiality.